The Nimbus Clouds of Grief

 

“How did we even get here?” This question comes out like a bullet wrapped in frustration, sorrow, and fear; shot aimlessly into the open air, from most of us from different backgrounds and different life experiences. Some mourning the bereavement of their loved ones due to COVID-19, some recovering from the infection, some caregivers to their significant others or family members in recovery, and some who had not been physically affected by the virus. Yet, all of us have the same question in mind.  And none of us are expecting an answer. This bullet in our hearts just needs a release. 

 

Why are people who have not witnessed death or even had a positive COVID 19 infection in their family, experiencing grief? The answer lies in the larger connection among them - the human connection.

 

The COVID19 nimbus clouds have rained on all of us, albeit unevenly, everyone has been 

drenched. Grief comes from a sense of loss, and in this pandemic, everyone has lost. We have collectively lost our attachments.

 

COVID 19 with its fifty feet, humongous body covered in black thick fur, the head of a spider and ten large legs, has separated innumerable persons from their caregivers. It has walked ruthlessly over the plot structure, leaving us with ‘separation distress’ – making us feel like a child lost in a fair. This is not just an individual experience of grief; it is collective grief.

Our attachments are dear to us, and the deepest pain comes from the thought of bidding 

them goodbye. However, does breaking attachments need to be perceived as excruciatingly painful endings, or can they be accepted as a new continuation? Rather than bidding adieu, perhaps we could nurse our wounds with a new dawn, aiding them to grow in new directions of strength and resilience. This could mean that rather than saying 

 ‘goodbye’, we say ‘hello again’.  For instance, write a letter to a lost job, someone you have loved and lost, about what you have learned or gained from them and how that will forever remain of enduring value to you.

Maintaining continuity and reconstructing rather than relinquishing the bond can restore the attachment security that was challenged by loss.

 

A hidden and suffocated physical wound may never heal. It requires air, light, care, and 

medicines to repair. Emotional wounds are no different. 

 

The different stages of grief one may find themselves at are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Each individual may not necessarily go through all these stages of grief, and perhaps not in the given order, and that is okay. However, whichever stage you may find yourself at, what is required is for you to embrace your emotions sans judgements and to let yourself soak in them. This may fill your mind with questions, thoughts, and overwhelming emotions. Feel free to pour them out in creative ways. For instance, if you identify yourself as a talker, then talk your heart out to your significant others, close friends or a professional. If you are a writer, write; painter- paint, dancer- dance. Express!

 

 

 Search for meaning

“Life offers purpose and meaning, but does not promise fulfilment or happiness.” Victor Frankl’s logotherapy, and his experience at the Nazi concentration camps is a big testament to his quote. It echoes that life may throw unprecedented traumatic events at us, however, these events may also be doors opening for us to discover new meaning and purpose, whether we wish to explore it or not, is our ‘free will’.. Those who dare to open these doors and explore the hidden meanings behind them, may find it to be an efficient way of coping with grief, in finding new directions.

 

The child lost in a fair

While we strive to continue with the help of the above perspectives, the separation distress experienced by the child in us, as if we are lost from our parents in a crowded fair may bring us pangs of anxiety and panic. It may be seen in two different dimensions:

1.     Attachment anxiety: Often expressed as dependency and over activation of the attachment system. For instance, even as years go by and the child in us grows up, we may have trouble acknowledging a loved ones’ unavailability causing us to feel panic and anxiety. To compensate for the anxiety, we may often find ourselves desperately and constantly seeking support from others.

2.     Attachment avoidance: Expressed as the deactivation of the attachment system and emotions in general. For instance, the child over time tries to consciously avoid loss and failure by avoiding intimate relationships with all people close in order to reconcile with the internal model of his/ her loved ones’ absence.

As we journey through this phase of grief, it is imperative to take care of the child in us and to provide them with secure attachments. Grief is a difficult and time-consuming journey that can neither be travelled alone by avoiding support nor by overindulging in it. So, as we prepare ourselves for this journey, striking a healthy balance between giving and receiving support from the self, as well as others, maybe an effective mantra to embrace. Overcoming grief is a journey and not just a destination. And the perfect journey involves just the right number of companions - not too many, not too less.